I spill my guts, yet nothing is resolved because I'm not spilling them to the right person. I wish I could tell this person how annoyed I get with him/her and how insecure it makes me, but I don't think this person even realizes it and I'm afraid I'll look like a big baby. Besides, these things have to be done in person, and even though I'm usually good with confrontations, this one seems entirely different and I don't feel prepared for this at all (although this is more of a layingeverythingoutandbeingreal than a confrontation).
As much as I get annoyed, I still love this friend and this person is really important to me and I don't want to ever lose this friend.
I think I'm over-analyzing everything anyway because I always over-analyze everything. I don't know why I do it, it's not that I want to, but I still do. So maybe I'm just annoyed and feeling bad about myself for nothing. Either way, I really want to talk about this with this person, but I can't. So I resort to writing about it in my online diary, being as vague as possible so no one will know what I'm talking about (unless you're one of the two people to whom I've spilled my guts), and after writing this I now realize that some people I haven't vented to will want to know what I'm talking about.
I shouldn't post this, but some part of my subconscious thinks this will make me feel better. Even though I know I won't feel better until I talk to this person, but I can't because it's complicated and I'm probably worked up over nothing. I hate when I get like this.
If this person reads this and asks me about it and even asks me if it's him/her, I know I'll be too scared to say so. I guess I should just get over it, but I know that'll make me unhappy. I get really insecure in situations like this and I don't think I'm an insecure person. What to do, what to do. Something has to be done, but I don't want to take action. Blast this indecision, it'll be the death of me!
Now that I'm dwelling on it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm over reacting. Or being slightly hypocritical, because this person means a lot to me, and I sometimes get the impression that this person means more to me than I do to him/her, but maybe I don't always let this person know how incredibly much I value him/her. I think I do, but maybe I don't. This friendship isn't like any of my other friendships because it has its really great moments, and then it has its moments where I feel like crap. I don't think I'm being a baby about this, but maybe I am. Maybe I just have to get over this little problem I have. Yep, I'll just get over it.
I'll post this anyway, as I reminder to myself.
I'm not trying to make this person look bad, this person means so much to me. I sincerely hope I didn't offend anybody.